For everything, there is a season. To develop new growth, seasons must also end. But however well-known and accepted this proverb might be, it doesn’t take away from the pain that comes with experiencing grief or depression after a life transition.
You might have just finished high school or university with uncertainty about what to do next. This uncertainty and emotional upheaval recurs throughout life. If you’ve recently ended an important relationship or left a valued job, you may also be feeling lost as to what comes next.
When your children have left home, the well-known “empty nest” experience may prompt difficult emotions. With retirement, you may also be daunted by the largely blank canvas that lies ahead and feel unsettled by the end of your full-time career.
These are natural experiences and valid emotions. However, these changes can become overwhelming or laced with difficult emotions like regret or fear. You might experience poor mental health or a condition like depression after a life transition. In such cases, processing the change in a compassionate way is a good starting point as you transition from one phase into another.
Why Do Major Life Transitions Trigger Depression?
Major life transitions trigger depression when they severely disrupt our sense of identity. It often happens that roles we fulfil on a daily basis become a core part of our identities. You can often notice this in the words you use: for example, “I am parenting” versus “I am a parent”.
- In the example above, someone whose adult child has moved out of the family home may no longer feel that they can describe themselves as a parent (at least, not in the same way as before).
- With graduation, the identity of “I am a student” ends, often with the uncertainty of what comes next and the worry of potential unemployment.
- When you end a valued job, you may also feel a sense of uncertainty and loss. You may miss your colleagues and your old role. If you’re not starting a new job immediately, it may sit uncomfortably when you or others describe you as “unemployed”.
- With the end of a long-term or important relationship, you may feel sadness and/or struggle to rebuild life as a single person.
- Retirement brings to an end decades of hard-earned professional identity, as well as a daily routine. While you’ll start getting a discount at Kirstenbosch on Tuesdays, you may feel very keenly the loss of saying “I am a teacher/doctor/salesperson etc.”
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.
Biblical verse
The roles we occupy in life also carry social and cultural weight. Men who have prided themselves on breadwinner roles, or women who have prided themselves on mothering roles may feel added social pressure when their roles in the family and in society change.
When a valued role ends, we may feel that our very sense of self is threatened. This emotional distress can trigger mental health difficulties like adjustment disorders or depression.
Adjustment disorder vs depression after a life transition
Changes and transitions are a natural part of life. Feeling down or sad during these periods is natural. However, sometimes these feelings may become so overwhelming that your day-to-day functioning declines and you may be diagnosed with a mental health condition, like adjustment disorder.
An adjustment disorder is sometimes called situational depression; however, it is clinically distinct from depression. Adjustment disorders are short-term reactions to stressors like transitions. They typically clear within 6 months of the stressful event (though not always).
Symptoms include: low mood, feeling overwhelmed, having trouble concentrating, impulsiveness, as well as physical symptoms like headaches and heart palpitations. The intensity of these symptoms vary between people. Some people may have mild symptoms, while others can be more severely impacted.
According to one study, 27% of people who lose their jobs experience an adjustment disorder. Students and young people are also at particular risk.
Someone with depression usually has more symptoms which could last longer than an adjustment disorder. Depression after a life transition may be diagnosed when the client experiences several of the following symptoms, including a low mood or a loss of interest in activities usually enjoyed:
- Intense feelings of sadness or hopelessness
- Feeling angry, frustrated or irritated
- Anxiety or restlessness
- Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much
- Tiredness
- Changes in appetite and weight
- Unexplained physical problems, like headaches
- Thinking often or repeatedly about death, including suicidal ideation or attempts
- Difficulty thinking, concentrating, remembering or making decisions
- Moving, thinking or speaking more slowly
In South Africa, research indicates that retirees and those older than 65 years, who are also widowed, divorced or separated, are one of three groups who more often report symptoms that indicate a potential diagnosis of depression and anxiety.
“But Shouldn’t I Be Happy?” — Feeling Guilty about Struggling After a Milestone
Depression after a life transition can occur even when the change represents a positive milestone or long-awaited achievement. Graduation or retirement, for example, are the culminations of years of hard work. Graduates and retirees are often congratulated on the milestone, all the while feeling lost in or even distressed by the change.
These conflicting emotions can then cause further distress in themselves because you feel you should be happy when you are feeling the very opposite. Family and friends might make you feel guilty about your feelings, and tell you to feel grateful instead.
It’s normal, though, that you can’t simply change your emotions. If you are struggling after a life change, it is normal. It usually means that something meaningful in your life has come to an end, and it is natural that you need time and space to process this.
Akukho nkanga iduba ingethi. | There is no ragwort that blossoms and does not wither eventually.
Xhosa proverb
What Helps with Recovering from an Identity Loss
When you’ve gone through a difficult change or have depression after a life transition, it helps to acknowledge both the change and the challenges that come with it. Don’t sit distressed at home waiting for it all to pass.
Keeping busy can open up new roles and identities but it can also mask the depth of the loss you are grieving. A loss of identity, and any related or concurrent mental health conditions, is not a practical problem but a health matter that should be treated with care.
The first thing to do after a life transition is to acknowledge your emotions about the change. As you feel more comfortable with your feelings, you could think about how to transition healthily into the next phase of life.
If you are feeling indecisive or overwhelmed, it might be a good time for self-reflection and connecting with your values and how you hope to live them out in the world. This can help you with the process of identity reconstruction. This isn’t necessarily about reinventing yourself but about identifying and reinforcing what brings you meaning, purpose and satisfaction.
Support for Poor Mental Health and Depression After Life Transitions
Therapy is one way in which you can embark on rebuilding a sense of identity. In the in-between space of a depression after a life transition, insight-oriented therapy helps you make sense of the identities you’ve lost, what parts you’d like to keep and how you can integrate that into the next phase of life.
Seeking professional healthcare support is particularly important if you are in distress and unable to cope with the demands of daily life. Medicine and therapy often work together to alleviate intense feelings and to address the origins of your emotions. This is something you can discuss with a psychologist, psychiatrist and/or general practitioner.
Struggling with low mood, an adjustment disorder or depression after a life transition is a natural response to a disruption in your routine and sense of identity. The important thing to remember is that there is support available to help you through this change.
No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow.
English proverb
Looking after your mental health in this period can reward you in the long-run. When you’re well-supported, this in-between period can be a time of meaningful self-reflection that can provide valuable insight into how you wish to move forward more authentically and confidently in the next season of life.
