More often than we like, we find ourselves doing things that we know are not the best for our goals, and feeling frustrated because of it. Often referred to as self-sabotage or self-defeating behaviours, this frustrating experience is all too common.
For some, they manage to delay actioning a goal because they are procrastinating to avoid discomfort. For others, perfectionism may mean that every attempt to reach a goal seems inadequate, making the whole process feel worthless before it’s complete.
Setting a goal may just be the easy part. If you find yourself struggling to actually perform the tasks, pulling your hair out and asking “why can’t I just…”, it’s time to pause and take a deep breath. To overcome self-sabotage, you need to build a strategy that is self-compassionate and responds effectively to your emotions.
Self-Sabotage as an Intention-Action Gap
Intending to do something but not actually doing it…it’s an experience so common psychologists know it as the intention-action gap. One research paper indicates that only half of peoples’ intentions are actually actioned.
Having goals can be a helpful source of motivation and direction in life. However, having good intentions isn’t the only tool you need to achieve a goal.
So if you’re struggling to show up for your weekly Parkrun or berating yourself for ignoring a difficult but important task, don’t beat yourself up. This is not a unique problem and there are strategies to work around the intention-action gap.
How the Desire for Instant Gratification Trips Us Up
Our desire for instant gratification is one explanation for why we don’t do important tasks, even when we know they’ll lead to future benefits.
Instant gratification refers to a preference for immediate satisfaction in the moment. It often means that we will prioritise actions that feel good in the short-term, rather than those that will bring greater value in the long run. After all, you may want to go back to university and study again but it’s more enjoyable in the present to spend your evenings socialising or watching TV.
When we get what we want, our brains experience a surge in dopamine, the neurotransmitter driving pleasure. When we come to associate this sensation of pleasure with a particular action, a cycle is established.
Instant gratification vs self-sabotage
Instant gratification isn’t always a “bad” thing. But this cycle of action-instant reward becomes problematic when the action is negative for our overall health, impacts our daily lives or undermines our progress towards a bigger goal. This is what most people mean when they talk about self-sabotage.
Of course, once the cycle happens over and over again, you might start to feel guilty or ashamed of doing things that you know are not healthy or in your longer-term best interests.
But it is hard to break out of the dopamine circuit. You may even repeat the same pleasurable-but-unhealthy actions in order to avoid feeling those sensations of shame or self-blame. This also plays a role in addictions.
If you have ADHD, you may find it particularly hard to prioritise future rewards over instant gratification. This is because ADHD brains already have difficulty regulating dopamine so getting a quick rush of the neurotransmitter feels all the more pleasurable.
It’s important to note that self-sabotaging behaviour is often unconscious. It can stem from deep-seated beliefs about yourself or the world that may date from childhood. For some people, self-defeating behaviour can also be symptomatic of mental health conditions. Our society is also wired around instant gratification with everything from alcohol to Lego delivered in sixty minutes, while social media notifications across the day also offer instant short-term pleasure.
Is Self-Sabotage a Lack of Willpower?
No. In most cases, overcoming a self-sabotaging behaviour like procrastination or perfectionism is not a question of pure willpower. You cannot simply wish for something to make it true.
It’s true that sometimes people experience a moment of clarity that drives them to change a certain behaviour. But most of us do not want to wait for these moments to occur (that’s if they ever do). And because of our understanding of instant gratification and human psychology generally, there are other, more reliable ways we can change our behaviour.
While recognising that we are impacted by our families and wider society, we are also able to make our own choices, including about how we respond to external influences.In this way, we can shape for ourselves lives that feel meaningful and satisfying.
What can you do to stop self-sabotaging behaviours?
Getting clarity on why you want to accomplish something – how it relates to your values and how it will benefit you the future – can help make the process of working towards a goal more meaningful and enjoyable.
By understanding your goal more intimately and reflecting on any previous attempts, you can also preempt any obstacles that may arise and set up strategies to deal with them.
Here is an example from my Values-based Strategies for Achieving Goals course: If you are trying to improve your relationships with others and notice that your perfectionistic tendencies undermine this, you might consider:
- Why a behaviour change important to you: because you want to argue less with loved ones about small habits, etc.
- What emotions you struggle with when you try to relax your perfectionism: worry, panic, frustration, shame, etc.
- What a future with this behaviour change would look and feel like: being able to eat family dinners with fewer arguments and more meaningful conversation; seeing children execute tasks with improved problem-solving and confidence, etc.
These are points you can reflect on in my course, Values-Based Strategies for Achieving Goals. Thinking about these aspects of the behaviour you’d like to change can help you develop valuable insight about how you relate to your goal. This insight can ensure that when you do feel difficult emotions (like shame or guilt) in the process of achieving the goal, you are better equipped to manage them and continue progressing towards the ultimate achievement of the goal.
Another space for understanding and overcoming behaviours like perfectionism or procrastination is therapy. “Talk therapy” involves facilitated conversations about your specific experiences with a registered psychologist.
In these sessions, you gain insight into your actions that allows you to more effectively manage your emotions and behaviours. A clinical psychologist can also determine if your self-defeating behaviour may be a trait of a condition that needs additional attention. The therapy process allows you to proactively work towards healthier, more satisfying future experiences.
For people who are struggling with active addiction, it is important to get professional healthcare support. A multi-disciplinary approach is recommended for addiction. Healthcare professionals may recommend treatment in a rehabilitation clinic which would include group and individual therapy. After rehab, support groups like AA and individual therapy can support you.
Overcoming procrastination, perfectionism and self-sabotage
However you decide to work through your self-sabotaging behaviours, it’s important to do so with self-compassion. We all experience obstacles in the road towards our goals. There will often be times when we feel frustrated or ashamed at our progress. But these challenges and emotions do not need to define our experience. With kindness and well-planned, manageable actions, it is possible to both accomplish a valued goal and do so in a way that is meaningful and even enjoyable.
Support to overcome Self-sabotaging Behaviours
FAQs about Self-Sabotage
Your frequently asked questions about self-defeating behaviours answered:
Why do I keep self-sabotaging even when I know better?
You may be struggling with an intention-action gap. This is a common experience in which people intend one thing but do another. You can work through this by exploring why the intention is important to you, and developing personalised strategies to make the actions easier to accomplish.
Is instant gratification the same as procrastination?
Instant gratification is the desire to achieve immediate satisfaction (rather than a reward in the long run). Procrastination is the behaviour of avoiding an often-uncomfortable but important task, often by doing other things.
How do I stop avoiding things I know are good for me?
You could start by considering why you are avoiding them. Often this relates to avoiding difficult emotions so you will need to learn how to manage your feelings effectively (therapy, including Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, can help). Then you can work on reinforcing why they are good for you, and making the tasks more manageable and, potentially, more enjoyable.
